I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
