no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
