i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
