Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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