i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
