He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
