How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
