I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
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