i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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