What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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