I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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