I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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