STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
