did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
