the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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