so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
