I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
