didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
