Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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