he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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