I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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