He kissed a someone with a penis
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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