I can feel the alcohol in my calves
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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