every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
