I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
