I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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