Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
