at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
