You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
