I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
