Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
