Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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