it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
