drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
