peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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