Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
