K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
