note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Let's get the cat blown out
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
