Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
