Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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