I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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