I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
