He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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