I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
