ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
