he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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