I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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