OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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