On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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