Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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