$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
