1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
NoShamevember. You game?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
