Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
