I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
