he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
