Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
