I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i love accidental penises.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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