i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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