I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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